The dilemma My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. Our sex drives were never quite on the same wavelength, but for the past four years he has had almost no interest in sex.
He blames the dogs (he doesn’t like having sex when he can hear them), but I wonder if he is just less interested generally, coupled with high stress levels – he’s a worrier.
We’re down to a quick private moment every two months or so, always initiated by me. I’ve always been a highly sexual person, and I’m going a bit nuts. I got turned on going to B&Q yesterday.
I’ve spoken with him about it and he just laughs nervously. He won’t speak with a therapist, even anonymously online.
I don’t know what to do.
Mariella replies B&Q? I’m sure I’m not the only reader eager to discover the source of frisson in DIY aisles. Joking aside, yours is a problem so common I could devote this column to it every week and never run out of correspondents. An imbalance of desire, diminished passion, lack of spontaneity, the withholding of sex, an absence of physical intimacy… there’s a plague of problems out there.
Sex and its absence tend to be a symptom of a greater malaise and are seldom a condition in isolation. In an increasingly frenetic society, fraught with insecurity and fear about the future, it would be miraculous if that wealth of worry didn’t filter into our homes. Anxiety is on the rise, as is mental illness in increasingly younger candidates and, in the face of such gigantic problems, diminishing sex drive might seem the least of our problems.
But this intimate form of human bonding is as essential to our health and wellbeing as a balanced diet. Moments in which we can lose ourselves to primal, all-consuming passion are part of the fabric of healthy living. I was told the other day about extraordinary developments in virtual reality. Lonely individuals will soon be able to enjoy the company of three virtual companions by slipping on goggles and going online. They’ll have one to talk to, another to have sex with and a third to murder. It’s interesting that those are the three impulses algorithms and geeks have identified as the ones we most need to satiate to thrive. What happened to the civilising influences of evolution? Instincts don’t come more basic than copulate, communicate and kill!
As happens so often in this column you’ve already identified the potential root of your problem. Your husband’s agitated state of mind is not conducive to instinctive desire, and dealing with this is an altogether more challenging proposition.
Let’s start proactively and eliminate the dogs – not total annihilation, obviously. I’m not sure where they are housed (I’m presuming not sprawled across the marital bed), but wherever you keep them may I suggest they’re removed still further? As a dog lover I’m all for them as pets. It’s one of many reasons to put up with their less sociable pursuits. Watching my two little fellows gorge on revolting roadkill makes me wonder why some owners allow them to rub their bottoms on sofas and lick their faces. The mere thought of all those germs is enough to put anyone off sex, let alone the prospect of those knowing eyes watching you perform. So tuck them up beyond sound and vision. Dogs suitably banished, you’re on your own with the struggle we all face in trying to maintain passion in long-term relationships.
There are then so many little adjustments that might open the door to a new sexual dawn once the mood between you shifts. If it’s specific advice you are after there are plenty of sexperts out there who may have more graphic suggestions and that may be the best place to turn next.How to instigate moments of true communion with those with whom we are over-familiar is a major conundrum. You definitely have to work on it, real sex seeming such an analogue activity in our online world. There are obvious steps, like putting down your smartphone, unearthing a mutual interest in something new, initiating sex in the afternoon rather than late at night when you’re exhausted, and making space and time for each other without an agenda.
First, though, I’d work on the ambience between you. Once sex is no longer a primary impulse in your relationship it’s all too easy to let it slide off the menu. Sometimes one of you, unfair as it may seem, has to shoulder the burden of bringing things back to a survivable level. We know sex is largely in the mind so I’m sure that’s where you need to begin your efforts to reignite the sparks with your distracted, anxious husband. Target his cerebral state and, with luck, patience and empathy the rest may follow. And maybe bring him along with you on your next trip to B&Q!
